September 12th, 2018

As I sit here to write this post, I have a screaming two year old, crying for Mama, for an unknown reason.  My other child is standing, not sitting, standing in front of the the TV watching PJ Masks. My house looks as though its been turned into a laundry mat, and my kitchen chairs have been tied to the table to prevent the two year old from moving them to the counter to create more chaos and destruction in this place I call home. This is a normal day, a normal morning, and at one point all this chaos would have driven me into a full blown panic attack, but now its normal. I haven't given up on having a nice home or nice things, I just have to wait.  And that's OK. My house is less then perfect, and probably not even up to code, the landlord doesn't charge much so I'm OK with dealing with this homes little tricks and hacks to keep it running, at least try to.  Its definitely not ideal to not have a working dishwasher, or that I have to have my laundry hose attached to a garden hose and out it outside to drain because our septic is bad. Its OK that I don't have a fancy suburban home, in a nice neighborhood with paved driveways and paved roads. Its OK that my husbands car has a muffler made of tin cans, and is so loud it wakes us up at 5 AM when he goes to work. Its OK. Its OK that my life is less then perfect. Its OK we don't have much in our savings, or retirement right now, this will all change. Whats important right now is not things, yes they make life so much easier, but they don't make life. We make life. WE Create life, and create the future of this planet, this earth, the children. I want my children to know that its OK to have minimnal things sometimes, and that they are loved regardless. I wouldn't trade this for any amount of money or things. As I sit here with a snotty, teething, crusty two year old, and my four year old, sitting on top of a pile of laundry. We all went though hell when Lilly was born (2 year old), after having some severe postpartum depression, no money, broken down cars, negative bank account balance, shut off notices, and just shit in every other way. A failing marriage and a failing life, we made it. WE made it through hell and we are OK. Its all going to be OK. Just keep doing, keep going and keep loving.